I've Got Nada
In a Blah mood lately and I've got nothing to say hope the blah leaves soon.I was recently struck with on odd realization when I head someone mention they needed to work for happiness, On the TV that is. And while I listened and engaged in this listening of the conversation the other party involved in the TV conversation said that this is a contradiction of terms, this “Working To Be Happy”. And I wondered about this.
Questioning the validity of the point, must we work to be happy, in relationships, in life, in our careers, is this a truth, that we contradict the very meaning of happiness by engaging in things that perhaps are not worth engaging in? Must we try to influence ourselves and others around us as to attempt a little joy? And this becomes the work. I further questioned the value of having to work at something so hard, a relationship, a job, a goal. Indeed, we must work hard in all things to get the best results, but what I am questioning here is if the end result we are wishing for is happiness, shouldn’t it come naturally and with joy, as to not have to label it as “working to be happy”.
And at what point do those things that require us to “work to be happy” become worth pursuing and overbear us to give up?
It’s been a long while since I’ve had anything to say, and even when I did have something to write I’ve been so busy getting ready for a baby. It’s been a long wait but we’ve had our little girl. Olivia Noelle Hov was born on June 22nd by way of C Section and was 8lbs at birth, she was big baby… you can view some pics here sorry for the poor quality. cheesy camera phone! I tell Olivia each day the she smells like Christmas, which I attribute to her newness and love her cute little cheeks and lips.
Ok there’s been a lot of questions wondering why I have not been blogging as much lately, the reality is that I have been busy. For those who do not yet know my wife and I are expecting our first child any day now, this, has kept me pretty busy as of late. We have also been getting our little Olivias room ready for her. Oh yeah that is going to be her name I forgot to mention this, Olivia Noelle Hov.
I am hoping to steal away more time to reinvent the blogging life I once had and to focus more on writing and such things. Until them I will be busy getting ready for that little package.
This, my friends is the type of people we ought to surround our selves with and strive to become. This is Sic love, Sic meaning the coolest type.
There are days, when I am alone, this feeling hits me. I’ve suffered with depressions all my life, so this feeling, even though it brings questions, is a comfort, an old friend. And it not neccessarliy that I am depressed in these moments, but in this place, when emotions are just at the surface, pain feels more real. If I could explain it, it’s like being comfortably numb, yet fully feeling each expression of emotion.
I stand a few inches from the mirror starring at me, starring back at me. I look into my own eyes and try to recognize just, who it is, that I’ve become. Only this person in the mirror knows the road that I’ve walked, the battles I’ve fought. Some, I’ve won and others have overtaken me. I see the shadows on my face, my brow, the light reflecting from my skin, and look to see the boy I used to be; the difference between that boy and the man I’ve become. Much has changed, but the person within is who I am looking at. That the harder part, to see who it is I’ve become, which is not all bad, but to know where it is that I started from has become so different from who I’ve become.
And so I search for pieces of me, pieces I recognize, in hope to regain moments that I miss, recapture parts of who I was then, and hope to be once again. These are the things that race through my mind. I question myself “who are you” but I hear no response. This of course is one of the most posed questions man could ask himself, “who am I”, “why am i here”. I’m not sure that these are questions with answers, but are retoric.
I stand there my eyes gleaming, reflections of light bouncing from small shifts. The weight of this knowledge, the knowledge that there are pieces of me that I have lost, that with carelessness have become surrendered to life’s battles, I am chanced. Gravity presses down upon my soul it’s weight crushing me underneath is force. This knowledge, a comfortable numb.
I’ve got this closet. It’s in my head and inside of this closet are skeletons that hang there ready to stare me down each time that door swings open. Though throughout the years I have attempted to deal with these skeletons, there are a few that still hang there. I’ve been blogging for about a year now and some pretty amazing things have happened because of Bohemian Prose. Namely. many of the things in this closet, the one in my head, i’ve been able to deal with in a sense.
Because of this blog many people from the past, perhaps ones that have been part of this collection have contacted me to voice their opinions and perhaps to make peace with their past’s as well. I don’t know why it end up that their are so many skeletons, just that there are. But what I find is that life has a way of closing doors and sometimes windows, and that life is far more complex than we would care to admit. And that because of pains or failures or a number of other reasons we become these broken people. And so sometimes this plays out in our lives, in our relationships, in our very beings.
I know that we will not see what we were to become this side of heaven, Paul says for now we know in part, see in part, but then, in heaven we will see clearly, we will understand those things we could not understand. I look forward to that day.
While online the the other day I caught a glimpse at a photo in what looked to be New York City, along the tenement buildings and graffiti line wall someone had painted a huge delete button from a computers keyboard. This caught my attention. It was huge, maybe 6 feet wide by 4 feet high. I took it to be a modern social statement, perhaps one of a persons mental forttude building angst… delete, delete, delete they would cry out. At least this is what I imagine.
But it further posed an underlying question of self reflection. Given the choice what, if, anything would I delete from the story that has become my life. In this frame of mind, I’d of course be given super hero like abilities to alter the present, past and future. Delete! And although i can think of many things I would go back and delete, many things I would change, I know this is not an ability I possess, even if I tried changing into brightly colored tights in a phone booth. And I wondered how others might answer that question of what would you delete?
Lately I’ve been on somewhat of a blogging break, I’ve been busy with life, getting together the babies room, cleaning our belongings from the past mold situation and trying to get everything ready to move into our new place. On top this I’ve been dealing with a lot of past issues, and worse yet loss of some family members and a friend, it’s been a rough go. But today I feel hopeful, in hopes that it will be a good day.
Sometimes it feels like i am a tightrope walker, in a circus,
with hundreds of people looking on from the crowd. Watching to see if i will fall... 
